I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
