Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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