I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
