The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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