She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
