The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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