I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
