My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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