I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
