Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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