I think my fart just growled at me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
