I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize