hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The feeling are messing with the penis
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
