Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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