where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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