A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
