Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
