there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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