Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
