I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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