If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
