My liver just broke up with me...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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