Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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