No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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