Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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