Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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