I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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