Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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