two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
