it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
