I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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