It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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