I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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