How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
did i just pee glitter
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
