there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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