you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
