I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
