you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We are two peas in an std pod
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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