my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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