OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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