his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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