I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
