Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
