she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
