my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
