It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
