'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
