If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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