I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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