Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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