I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
