I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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