just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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