the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
