My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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