if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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