put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
