Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize