My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
