I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
