Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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