Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
