And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
