1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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