I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i will never coherently bang her
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
