My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
