I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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