I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize