I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
