no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize