omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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