Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
