Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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