I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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