I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
