I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
