So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
