i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How external is "for external use only"?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
